Why do people stay in tough relationships?

People do not walk out of a bad relationship easily. They may tolerate it for some obvious reasons like financial dependency, children, common commitments, social and extended family obligations. These are valid reasons which require deliberation and deep consideration before breaking a relationship. There are also a few psychological reasons why people don’t walk away all that easily.

1. We seek familiarity. 

It sounds contradictory, but a familiar danger is safer than an unknown danger. We do not know what we may have to face in a new situation. A predictable pain is always manageable and we have done that. This is true even in case of physical illness. We have managed a physical discomfort earlier so we know we can manage it this time. An incremental raise in pain also gets managed, only to find some day it has slowly grown beyond limits.

2. Relationships are very expensive to break. 

Both financially and emotionally. It involves a change in many a part of our life, the very thought of dealing with it can be over whelming. Our lives are already full of commitments, targets, work pressures and this makes it all the more difficult to take on more work.

3. Difficulty in handling safety, love and affection.

This is a big one. A surprising one too. When our body adopts to certain pain in chaotic relationships, our nervous system develops an equilibrium to manage it. Even long exposure to trauma during childhood can develop a familiarity to manage such situation. If left in a safe place, the new emotions and dynamics in the inner world and outer world of the safe place can be very unfamiliar however good it may be. The patterns observed in relationship conflicts can be more familiar than the perceived disorientation in a safe situation. Hard to believe right? This is exactly why we seek partners who could give us experiences that we are familiar with.

4. Fear of loneliness. 

Isolation and loneliness can be a bigger fear for most of them. Silence of the solitude can be more disturbing than the chaos of a troubled relationship. We are all wired to be connected and losing that connection can be scarier.

5. It becomes a proof that we are unlovable: 

We do not want to touch that milestone. Moving out of a relationship can be seen as a proof that we can be a difficult person. Not only for the sake of our social circles, we can’t face that for ourselves.

6. Still some hope left.

In a weird way, hope gets attached to familiarity. May be my partner will change; may be time will heal.

The complexities in a relationship can be overwhelming. We CAN work our way towards a secured attachment pattern and we CAN have a fulfilling relationship. Don’t wait for your partner to take the first step. They will follow you.

Walk with TrueNorth.